Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
