love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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