the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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