Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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