her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
