There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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