I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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