after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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