Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
