Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
