What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
