Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
