I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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