Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
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well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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