I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
