God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
