I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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