He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
