you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
