Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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