I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
