i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
