Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
