Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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