one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
