a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
