i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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