i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's blow job season.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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