Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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