When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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