The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
