I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
