Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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