Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
