Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
