Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
