My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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