When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
