I think im going to throw up on grandma
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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