i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
