The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
