My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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