ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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