Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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