I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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