Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
