My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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