oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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