I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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