SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
