Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
