Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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