Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
