theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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