Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
