I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
