Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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