So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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