did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
