This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
