I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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