OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!