Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
