I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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