OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
